


a shining in the shadows

by biochemprincess



Series: home is [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Mentions of PTSD, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 13:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3530465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biochemprincess/pseuds/biochemprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There always is a point of no return - make it or break it - to everything. Jemma has surrendered, hoping that the world would become kinder again, one day maybe. </p><p>(a story about jemma and the different relationships she has during her attempts to finally get it right.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	a shining in the shadows

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [陰影中的閃爍](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3670794) by [fluffygreenpillow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffygreenpillow/pseuds/fluffygreenpillow)



> This was born out of some serious procrastination and the question: What would happen if Jemma left the team? To find herself?
> 
> Title taken from the song "Home" by Gabrielle Aplin.
> 
> Special thanks to imperfectlychaotic for providing the headcanon and beta-ing the whole monsters :)

 

Jemma Simmons handles her nightmares and sleepless nights the way she handles most of her problems: by simply ignoring them. It's the easy way out, she knows that much. But she's done fighting wars she cannot win. What's the purpose of keeping the broken pieces of oneself together, if you fall apart over and over again?

Yet every morning, 05:45 sharp, she's on her feet nonetheless, still fighting a battle. Her body goes through the morning routine on autopilot, waking up - running - shower - hair - clothes - tea - replying to the new messages on her phone - shoes.

She'd settled into all of this quite fast she thinks. Maybe it's because she never really came back from HYDRA. Maybe it's because this is where she's supposed to be.

(Neither option is comforting to her.)

 

* * *

 

 

There always is a point of no return - make it or break it - to everything. Jemma has surrendered, hoping that the world would become kinder again, one day maybe. 

She left - again.

She is still hoping.

 

* * *

 

Bruce greets her as she strides into the lab, leaving the fake cheerful smile she puts up for all the others behind. Dr. Banner told her within the first week of working together, that she doesn't have to act, to hide herself behind a lie.

At first she hadn't understood how he could see so much after knowing her for only such a short amount of time. But the scientist is an impressive observer, though mostly he isn't as blunt as rubbing it under your nose.

Just like now. He must have noticed the deep shadows under her eyes, despite her pitiful attempt to conceal them, but is too polite to mention it.

"Geez, you look like shit, Simmons."

Tony Stark on the other hand isn't famous for keeping his thoughts to himself. Jemma just shrugs, smiling at him apologetically. Another thing she noticed within her first week at Stark Industries: Stark may be brilliant, but you don't need take him seriously. (Which may or may not have been Bruce's exact words.)

She doesn't mind too terribly, he reminds her of Lance somehow. 

"Alright, get yourself a coffee ladies, we've got work to do."

Yes, totally Lance.

(She doesn't know how she can miss him without even really knowing him.)

 

* * *

 

 **to:** Jemma

 **from:** Skye

_are you ever coming back???_

 

 **to:** Skye

 **from:** Jemma

_Yes. Just not right now._

 

 **to:** Jemma

 **from:** Skye

_i'm sorry._

 

 **to:** Skye

 **from:** Jemma

_I know._

 

* * *

 

The messages on her phone don't stop appearing, whether it's a text or a voice mail. She never answers to the voice mails, only ever listens to them. She doesn't trust her voice enough to not betray her, if she'd actually pick up.

But she replies to all of the texts they send to her. Jemma wants this time to be different. She doesn't want to exclude them from their life completely, she just needs some time to herself. 

It's hard to describe her feelings, because there's no logical explanation for the way she feels. It frightens her to no end, not knowing why exactly she made the decision to leave. It's a lot like flying blind - she has no idea where to go, only knows that she isn't allowed crash the plane.

But she does know it was the best way to handle it.

They are still her best friends, always and forever. Whatever bond they have formed, nothing can destroy it anymore - no matter what Fitz might be thinking.

(And his words cut the deepest.)

Jemma is still their friend. But right now she needs to be their friend with miles to go between them; she needs some distance to come clean.

Maybe she's melodramatic, maybe she overreacted. It was Skye's right to tell only Fitz, it was her personal choice. Jemma would never remove her right to make decisions on her own. 

But it was reckless and hurtful, regardless of her intention. Jemma is tired of people lying to her, tired of losing people to alien diseases (correction: this time it's a genetic phenotype awakened by an alien source) and alien material for the sake of world domination.

Which brings her here, far away from them, on a quest with unknown outcome.

* * *

 

(She can still feel the wind pulling at her, streaks of hair falling in her eyes and tears rolling down her cheek.

She can still hear the ocean in her ear, merciless, swallowing them alive.

She hates to admit it's all her fault.)

 

* * *

 

_It was only shortly after 8am, when there had been a knock on the door of her room. The motel she had booked herself in was nothing special, just another building on a road. It was furnished with a bed, a wardrobe and a wooden desk. There also was small bath with a toilet. It was enough and nobody asked any questions._

_Jemma had explicitly stated not to be disturbed ever, not even by cleaning service. Her months at HYDRA had made her paranoid, it seemed. Which made her even more anxious about who'd be waiting for her on the other side of the door._

_Slowly, she took the gun from under the pillow and tiptoed to the front door. She tried to get a good look outside from the window to her right side, but she could see absolutely nothing. Mentally preparing herself for the worst, she tore open the door and pointed the gun at the intruder's head._

_The moment Jemma laid her eyes upon the person in front of her, her heart stopped a few beats. But not because of fear, no, it was shock paralyzing her._

_The redhead's lips curled up at sight of the biochemist with the gun._

_"You think somebody would come after you and kill you?" It's the first sentence coming from Natasha Romanoff's lips and she sounded way too amused. "You're smart. And she obviously did a good job on training you."_

_Natasha let herself in, walking past her in long, confident strides. Jemma closed the door and turned around to face her._

_"Who?" Jemma asked, somewhat confused by the appearance of former spy, who was supposed be in hiding. In any case she wasn't supposed to appear in front of her doorstep out of nowhere._

_"Melinda called."_ She said, as if reading Jemma's thoughts. Or more likely her facial expression. " _She’s worried."_

_Oh. She had to grip the handle of the gun a little harder so she didn't let it fall to the ground. Natasha might not approve of that and reconsider her first impression. May had called Natasha Romanoff to look after her. Oh. Oh. Ooohhh._

_Jemma had to switch on her phone and answer her messages, she thought, if it had already come to such drastic measures. She hadn't talked to anybody since she'd left the Playground a few weeks before._

_"I have a job offer for you."_

_"What?" The statement pulled the rug from under her feet._

_"Stark needs some help in his lab. You'd be perfect."_

_"Tony Stark - Iron Man - wants me to work for him?"_

_"If you say you want the job, he'll have a vacant post at Stark Industries." Natasha answered diplomatically._   _Jemma could easily read between the lines. The spy would move heaven and earth to get her that job. If she wanted it._

_Which was the main question, right? Did she want to?_

_"How long would I have to work there?"_

_"You don't have to do anything, Simmons." The spy took a step towards her, becoming stern again in only a matter of seconds. "You are in charge of this. It's your choice, for however long you want to."_

_The proposal sounded almost too good to be true. It was exactly what her life currently lacked. Gaining control over her life and making good free choices again - that sounded fairytale-like. But there was more to take into account._

"You won't get May in any kind of trouble for calling in this favour?"

_Natasha let out a long cheerful laugh and it almost sounded --- happy?_

_"From what she told me about you, I assumed you're pretty much just a smaller version of Cap. But wow, you really live up to those expectations. No, neither you nor Melinda owe me anything."_

_"No? Why?" Nothing ever came without a price attached to it; Jemma had learned that much during the last year._

_"No. Because sometimes we all need people we can turn to when the world becomes too overwhelming."_

_A good deal of experience resonated in her words. Seconds passed and Natasha continued to watch her expectantly. It was now or never._

_"Yes. I'd like to take the job."_

_"Good. Pack your things. My car is waiting around the corner. I'll arrange everything while we drive to New York."_

_"You're going with me?"_

_Natasha nodded. "I'll stay in Manhattan for a while."_

_"You're coming back? Why?" Jemma asked, confusion evident in her voice._

_"I don't have to hide anything anymore. I've learned how to live with myself and the decisions I've made."_

_There hung an unspoken question in the silence that followed. And it sounded an awful lot like_ "Can you"?

_Jemma didn't have a satisfying answer._

_So she started to pack her belongings._

* * *

 

To be honest, some days are almost good. Some days - when the sun rises from behind the horizon and Jemma wakes with a feeling of contentment, feeling whole and unbroken - it's almost okay. Those days she does her work easier and smiles a little more and chats with Bruce effortlessly and even laughs at Stark's jokes. 

But most of the time she has a hard time trying to keep the nightmares at bay. When she watches everything fall apart again and again and again in her head.

When her heart is beating to the sound of the wind and her eyes cry out tears as salty as the seawater and her body trembles to the rhythm of walls caving in above her.

It always takes some time to remember that she survived. She has survived all of this and she's alive.

It should be reason enough to fight on without a second thought.

But it's not.

 

* * *

 

 **from:** Fitz

 **to:** Jemma

_Are you okay?_

 

 **from:** Jemma

 **to:** Fitz

_I am. Don't worry. :)_

 

 **from:**  Fitz

 **to:**  Jemma

_Where you are?_

 

 **from:**  Jemma

 ** **t** o:** Fitz

_Fitz...._

 

 **from:** Fitz

 **to:** Jemma

_Can I at least ask you  
what you're doing?_

 

 **from:** Jemma

 ** **t** o:** Fitz

_One day I'm gonna show you._

 

 **from:**  Fitz

 **to:**  Jemma

_I'll look forward to it._

 

 **from:**  Fitz

 **to:**  Jemma

_:)_

 

* * *

 

Jemma still searches.

Of course the urge to help Skye is still there - Skye is her friend, her family. She wants nothing more than help her.

In her free time, after work until deep into the night she likes to bury herself in work. 

When she left, she took some of Skye's blood samples with her. Just in case.

Jemma hadn't known she'd end up here. She's too analytic, too realistic to believe in fate or any kind of divine intervention. Though she can't help but notice that somehow it all adds up - in a sick and twisted way.

This - working in a safe and secure lab, even more so Tony Stark's lab - has always been Fitz' dream. Not hers.

Jemma had always wanted to see the world. She'd wanted to explore the depths of the earth and endless possibilities this universe had to offer her. She'd wanted to work for S.H.I.E.L.D, trying to change the world for the better.

And yet it is Fitz holding the fort- the last brave soldier - while she quit to save what little is left of what she once was.

It doesn't seem fair in her eyes, how the universe had taken her dreams and hopes, crushing them with a swift move.

(The universe doesn't care about the people living in it.)

She pipettes a few micro liters of Skye's blood into test tubes, sorting them into racks of the analyzer and letting the device do its job.

The labs at Stark Industries are better equipped than anything she's ever seen before at any place she's ever worked, including S.H.I.E.L.D. Money only plays a minor part, what she wants she gets. It's every scientist’s biggest dream come true. 

(Fitz would love it here. But Fitz is not here.)

The floor is completely empty, except for herself. The silence, thick - heavy - uncomfortable - lonely, weighs her down.

She's completely engrossed in her work and only notices that she has company when suddenly Tony stands next to her.

"You do know that I'm not paying you for the extra time you spend here?"

"I can go, if you want me to."

"That's not what I've been saying."

Jemma closes her eyes. She knows he's trying to be nice to her, but it feels like she unlearnt how to have conversations without taking them directly to heart.

"I know."

He takes a closer look at all the chemicals neatly organized on the table in front of them. "What are you even doing here?"

"I'm trying to find ---" Well, what was she trying to find anyway? A cure? An antiserum? "Answers."

"Extraterrestrial?"

She shakes her head. "No, not really."

"Can I ask you a question?"

It's obvious what's coming next, but she nods regardless - mentally bracing herself for the coming impact.

"Why did you leave your team?"

"I'm pretty good at leaving."

"Doesn't seem like you, to be honest."

Jemma stares down at her hands, picking at her nails awkwardly. Once upon a time she would've agreed with him, but she's long past that. Spilling her guts to Tony in the middle of the night hadn't been part of the plan for tonight. 

"I'm not good for them."

"If you want to hear my opinion - I don't think that's true either."

"I just didn't handle all the change, you know --- well."

"Do you think that or do they think that?"

She finally looks up then and stares at him wide-eyed. But he seems entirely unfazed and simply continues talking.

"Everything seems a lot more exciting if you're not the one affected by it." He lightly tapes on his chest, where his arc reactor had once been placed.

"Technically I'm not the one affected by it." Jemma counters. 

"Survivor's guilt then?"

"I don't think that's an adequate ---"

"You know what, Simmons? It doesn't matter what you call it. At the end of the day it has changed your life, and not for the better it seems. I don't think you can be blamed for reacting. However you did."

 

* * *

**(calling)**

**00:00**

 

_Hi, May._

_Are you alright?_

_I'm fine._

_Why are you calling?_

_\---_

_Jemma?_

_I'm still here._

_I didn't mean to sound ---_

_No, it's alright May. I'm --- I just wanted to talk._

_About what?_

_I don't know._

_Jemma ---_

_How are you? How's everyone?_

_They - we miss you._

_I'm sorry._

_Don't. Don't be. You're doing what you have to do. And it's alright._

_I just ---_

_I know. If you want to come back, we'd be more than happy. You know that, right?_

_I do._

_But if you still need time, still need to find yourself, take your time._

_Thank you. For the job. For everything._

_You're welcome._

_I need to get back to work again. Thanks again._

_Call me if you need help. Or whenever you feel the need to talk._

_I will. Bye_

 

 **03:18** _  
_

**(call ended)**

* * *

 

 **from:**  Fitz

 **to:**  Jemma

 _Did Bobbi ever tell you about_  
_being married to somebody else_  
_before Hunter?_  
_There's this bet going around here  
and _ _we have a hard time believing it..._

 

 **from:**  Skye

 **to:**  Jemma

 _BOBBI JUST TOLD US SHE WAS_  
_MARRIED TO CLINT BARTON!_  
_MAY SAID WE SHOULD ASK YOU!_  
_CAN YOU CONFIRM???_

 

Jemma rereads the texts approximately twenty times, before she looks up from her phone. Bobbi has never said anything about the topic before, so she has no idea if it's true or not. But May told them to write her a message, so there's got to be something up to it.

Because May is the only one who knows where she is and she knows that there's a good chance Barton is somewhere near her.

Because Stark had offered her an apartment in the tower, his tower - no strings attached.

"Just a place to crash, where everybody has some inner demons to fight." he had said.

At first, she'd been wary. But with time the unsettling feeling eased. If she doesn't want to see anybody she doesn't have to. They all mind their own business and if somebody wanted some company you only had to come to the common floor.

Jemma mostly spends her time in the labs or her apartment alone, because spending time with them reminds her too much about the team she left behind. By accident she finds herself in the common kitchen right this moment, as she ran out of tea and hadn't had the chance to buy some.

And it happens, luckily, that the man in question is sitting in the living room area, watching some sad movie on Lifetime.

"Do you need any help, Li’l Cap?"

It is only at the mention of the stupid nickname - which had been Natasha's idea, she's 99% sure - that she realizes she's still staring at Barton. He looks at her curiously, an unspoken question in his eyes.

"Ahhm, have you --- have you ever been married to somebody?"

"Somebody? Could you be a little more precise?"

"Bobbi --- Morse?"

His face falls only for a second before he composes his features again. "Yeah, we were married. In a different life and not for long though. Didn't really work out for us." He gestures at her phone. "Are you texting her? Tell her I said Hi."

 

 **from:**  Jemma

 ** **t** o:** Fitz

_It's true. Did you win? :)_

 

 **from:**  Jemma

 ** **t** o:** Skye

_I CAN CONFIRM. RELIABLE SOURCE.  
                                                     TRUST ME._

**from:**  Jemma

 ** **t** o:** Bobbi

_Your other ex-husband says Hi.  
                                                      (I want the whole story.)_

 

 **from:**  Fitz

 **to:**  Jemma

_Yes. :))_

**from:**  Bobbi

 **to:**  Jemma

 _The hell are you doing??_  
_(Come back and I'll tell you.)  
_ _Tell him I said Hi back._

 

"She said Hi back." Jemma shouts over to the couches and catches Barton's face out of the corner of her eye. He looks a little sad, if you ask her, and a little pleased. She really had to ask Bobbi for more details to that particular part of her history.

But right now there is a warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of her stomach, coming from a text with a smiling face.

* * *

 

Days turn to weeks and she wakes every single morning, fighting her battles.

Maybe she can win this war. 

Maybe not all hope is lost.

Jemma is feeling bold today, like things could be good again. The strings around her heart are lighter, the darkness not as bleak as usually.

She's in no way ready to come back, not yet.

But there are other things to show progress.

 

**(calling)**

**00:00**

 

_Hi Fitz..._

* * *

 

_to be continued_

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think about, I'd love to hear your feedback. You can also find me @ mightyjemma.tumblr.com, if you'd like to :)


End file.
